Amazon "Non-return Refund"

Two weeks ago I ordered a ream of printer paper on Amazon. The last ream I had lasted for several years, so I didn't think about how low it was getting until it ran out. I ordered a new ream hoping it'd arrive in time for some stuff I needed to print.

Amazon shipped the paper promptly. Yay, Amazon and free prime shipping! But then the shipper handed it off to the Post Office because they were oversubscribed, and that delayed it two days. Boo, shippers not caring about me because I'm not actually their customer.

When the paper finally arrived I cleared a space on the shelf under the printer to place it... and saw another ream of paper, still sealed in its wrapper, already waiting there. Somehow I'd failed to see a whole ream of paper hiding on that shelf when the other sheaf ran out!

"Do you think Amazon will accept a return on a ream of paper?" Hawk and I asked each other.

"It doesn't hurt to try," we agreed.

A few days ago I gave it a try. To my surprise Amazon offered a "Non-return refund". At first when I read that phrase I thought they were rejecting my return request but as I read it again I found they were actually super-accepting it. Amazon refunded my money and told me just to keep the product!

A Year of Dicks

My spouse got an unusual gift in the mail a few days ago. It was... a year of dicks.



Or, in other words, "NATURE's DONGS 2024 CALENDAR", a calendar with monthly pics of things in nature that happen to look like dicks. With NEW DONGS FOR 2024!

We both got a chuckle as she unwrapped it. But almost as quickly we both asked, "WTF?" And, since there was no return address and no sender note, we wondered who would send something like this.

Hawk has a few friends who make sex jokes about things in nature. It's a long running in-joke among them. Could one of them have sent it? Enh. It would be weird for a close friend not to include a note. Also, IMO, Hawk enjoys that humor less than they do, and they know it.

Hawk has a relative who collects tchotchkes that look like dicks. Could a different relative have made a mistake and sent Hawk a gag gift meant for this other person? We figured likely not. A gift sent by a relative would likely include a personalized note, even if just something teasing like, "I know this is up your alley ❤️🍆🤣."

We quickly discarded these first two ideas. Our next thoughts turned dark. Was this a mean-spirited gift? Was it someone effectively telling Hawk, "I think you are a dick"?

Sadly there are a few categories of people who might send Hawk a mean gift. There are people from her job who dislike her because of things she's had to do as a manager, or refused to do or accept because they're inappropriate in the workplace. Could a coworker or ex-coworker have gotten her address and doxxed her? With dicks? Dick doxxed? Dixxed?

Ditto people in the neighborhood. For example, one of our neighbors blames her for "causing" legal trouble when a member of their family caused property damage over $10,000 and police were involved. Said family member also egged our house and screamed profanities at us once. We thought such things were settled and in the past now, but could this be a resumption of threatening behavior from them?

And ditto some of her net.friends. I don't know that any of them have bad blood with her like that one neighbor does, but there are definitely a few with poor enough social skills that might think this is an appropriate and funny response to her "having been a dick" to them by calling out their poor behavior in an online forum.

But mostly she worried it was a neighbor or (ex)coworker, someone from whom this gag gift was actually an attack— and possibly only the first in a series. 😨