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canyonwalkerOn Friday at work I walked out on a meeting. One of my colleagues, Mike, was being disrespectful but using antagonizing language, ignoring my point of view, and treating me like a servant instead of a peer. I told Mike I found his behavior disrespectful and didn't like it and wanted him to stop. All he did was snap back, "You're disrespectful." I told him I was done with the conversation for the day and walked out of the room. This all happened as I stood next to my manager, BTW. I walked out of the room, leaving my manager behind.
I was steamed about the situation. I had discussed the communication problem with my manager beforehand. I had showed him beforehand that Mike was being disrespectful in a written Slack message to me. He acknowledged that there's a pattern of poor communication spreading across our team (it's wider than just Mike) and offered to help mediate. I expected him to address it as it continued live, in front of him. But as Mike berated me further all he did was try to redirect to the underlying technical issue. I don't need my manager to help address a simple technical question. I needed my manager to address the improper workplace behavior.
My heart was pounding when I walked away. It's one thing to call someone out.... It's firing a shot, and once fired that shot cannot be taken back. But unlike calling out a friend or soon-to-be ex-friend (which I've done recently) the shots fired here have consequences on my job, my career, my livelihood.
I found a private spot and called Hawk. Fortunately she was able to take my call right away and offered words of encouragement. As a manager she deals with these kinds of issues— and unlike my manager she doesn't act like the right way to deal with repeated inappropriate behavior is to ignore it and hope it stops eventually. She helped crystalize for me two things:
— First, wrong behavior is wrong, and calling out wrong behavior is not wrong. When a person is behaving in an insulting fashion, the person being insulted has every right to call it out in a proportionate and workplace-appropriate fashion. "Mike, you're being disrespectful, and I don't like it. Please stop." In the mandatory workplace harassment training we receive every year they roleplays of people objecting to bad behavior exactly that.
— Second, walking away from hostile behavior is legit. Mike was being insulting and was not acting in good faith to solve the underlying minor business issue. He was demanding I take his directions and badgering me until I agreed. When a colleague is being insulting and refuses to stop when asked, it's legit to walk away. The fact that doing so left a minor business issue unsolved until another day is not unprofessional. The unprofessional behavior is unprofessional, and the harmful consequences it causes (e.g., some little task left undone) are due to the unprofessional behavior, not the person targeted by that behavior objecting to it.
Hawk also suggested I make clear with my boss that I didn't just walk away in a snit, that I object to the unprofessional behavior he witnessed and that I find it unacceptable. Furthermore, "Put a deadline on addressing it," she suggested. Like, "This pattern of adversarial behavior is a serious problem. If I don't see significant improvement in 4 weeks I will have to consider external action."
I circled back around to find my boss, as much to let him know I hadn't left the building as anything else. And I emphasized with him the seriousness of the problem. I told him what we both heard was unprofessional, I reminded him how he agreed already he sees it as just one instance of a broader and pervasive problem, and I emphasized that I consider it a serious problem. I didn't put a deadline on action but I did make it clear that I consider the situation unsatisfactory and need to see significant improvement soon.
Talk about shots fired. I felt like I'd just given my boss a final warning.
I was steamed about the situation. I had discussed the communication problem with my manager beforehand. I had showed him beforehand that Mike was being disrespectful in a written Slack message to me. He acknowledged that there's a pattern of poor communication spreading across our team (it's wider than just Mike) and offered to help mediate. I expected him to address it as it continued live, in front of him. But as Mike berated me further all he did was try to redirect to the underlying technical issue. I don't need my manager to help address a simple technical question. I needed my manager to address the improper workplace behavior.
My heart was pounding when I walked away. It's one thing to call someone out.... It's firing a shot, and once fired that shot cannot be taken back. But unlike calling out a friend or soon-to-be ex-friend (which I've done recently) the shots fired here have consequences on my job, my career, my livelihood.
I found a private spot and called Hawk. Fortunately she was able to take my call right away and offered words of encouragement. As a manager she deals with these kinds of issues— and unlike my manager she doesn't act like the right way to deal with repeated inappropriate behavior is to ignore it and hope it stops eventually. She helped crystalize for me two things:
— First, wrong behavior is wrong, and calling out wrong behavior is not wrong. When a person is behaving in an insulting fashion, the person being insulted has every right to call it out in a proportionate and workplace-appropriate fashion. "Mike, you're being disrespectful, and I don't like it. Please stop." In the mandatory workplace harassment training we receive every year they roleplays of people objecting to bad behavior exactly that.
— Second, walking away from hostile behavior is legit. Mike was being insulting and was not acting in good faith to solve the underlying minor business issue. He was demanding I take his directions and badgering me until I agreed. When a colleague is being insulting and refuses to stop when asked, it's legit to walk away. The fact that doing so left a minor business issue unsolved until another day is not unprofessional. The unprofessional behavior is unprofessional, and the harmful consequences it causes (e.g., some little task left undone) are due to the unprofessional behavior, not the person targeted by that behavior objecting to it.
Hawk also suggested I make clear with my boss that I didn't just walk away in a snit, that I object to the unprofessional behavior he witnessed and that I find it unacceptable. Furthermore, "Put a deadline on addressing it," she suggested. Like, "This pattern of adversarial behavior is a serious problem. If I don't see significant improvement in 4 weeks I will have to consider external action."
I circled back around to find my boss, as much to let him know I hadn't left the building as anything else. And I emphasized with him the seriousness of the problem. I told him what we both heard was unprofessional, I reminded him how he agreed already he sees it as just one instance of a broader and pervasive problem, and I emphasized that I consider it a serious problem. I didn't put a deadline on action but I did make it clear that I consider the situation unsatisfactory and need to see significant improvement soon.
Talk about shots fired. I felt like I'd just given my boss a final warning.
Terrible boss you have there
Date: 2024-02-17 12:34 am (UTC)