Reflecting on Roleplaying Groups
Jul. 29th, 2021 07:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
canyonwalkerIn the hours after I rage-quit a roleplaying game Sunday evening I asked myself whether what I did was reasonable. As I noted in that blog, this is the third time I've quit, or been ready to quit, a game in frustration over other players' behavior this year. (There's actually a fourth time I probably would have quit a game except the problem player, "Braz", quit first.) Am I being too picky? Have I gotten overly picky now versus years ago? Am I the problem player?
I'll answer these one at a time.
Q: Am I being too picky?
A: No. It's reasonable to expect respect and cooperation.
Roleplaying games aren't just about "playing a role". They're about playing a role in tandem with other players and to solve shared goals. A person who doesn't play well with others, or picks a role that doesn't play well with others, is breaking the game's implicit contract. To put it more plainly, the game is about everyone having fun. When someone chooses for themself a form of fun that inherently makes the game less fun for others, they're being a jerk. It's 100% appropriate for others to admonish them about that and be ready to leave (or tell the problem person to leave) if it doesn't stop.
Q: Have I gotten grumpy in my old age?
A: Mostly No. I quit games when I was younger, too.
So I've quit or thought about quitting a lot of games this year. This is also a year when I've made a point of trying a lot of new games. The last time I did that was more than 20 years ago, before I got my own long-term game going. Back then I tried and left a number of games, too. For example, one I ran fell apart during the second session because two of the players simply would not take the game seriously. Another my wife I and left after one session because the GM was a jerk who invited us to create characters with interesting backstories then contradicted everything we created.
I answered Mostly No above, BTW, because when I was a lot younger, in high school, there were games I should have quit but didn't. For example, I played for a few years with a GM who was very arrogant. He'd kill off our characters anytime we did something he didn't like. I stuck with that group, though, because most of my friends were in it, because I wanted badly enough to play that I tolerated the disrespect, and because at that age I hadn't developed the strength of my convictions in demanding mutual respect and balanced relationships.
Q: If I am the only one objecting to what happens in a game, does that make me the problem player?
A: No.
It may seem a bit odd that in all of these recent games everybody was there while the problems were occurring yet I was the only person who objected. (Except for the situation with "Braz"; Hawk spoke up on that one.) What does it mean that I'm the only one who registered an objection most of the time?
"Think about the common factor across all of your failed relationships," some people say. "It's you. That means you are the problem!"
Yeah, that's what bullies say. Bullies and gaslighters. Fuck that noise.
The fact is that a lot of times in games— and in many other areas of life, too— people don't speak up when they see something wrong. They fear disagreement. They fear social disapproval for "rocking the boat". Or, especially in the gaming world, they suffer the trap I described being in when I was younger, above— lack of self confidence and the feeling that playing a bad game is better than playing no game. The fact that other people may be willing to put up with shit for their own reasons does not invalidate my reasons for choosing not to put up with it.
I'll answer these one at a time.
Q: Am I being too picky?
A: No. It's reasonable to expect respect and cooperation.
Roleplaying games aren't just about "playing a role". They're about playing a role in tandem with other players and to solve shared goals. A person who doesn't play well with others, or picks a role that doesn't play well with others, is breaking the game's implicit contract. To put it more plainly, the game is about everyone having fun. When someone chooses for themself a form of fun that inherently makes the game less fun for others, they're being a jerk. It's 100% appropriate for others to admonish them about that and be ready to leave (or tell the problem person to leave) if it doesn't stop.
Q: Have I gotten grumpy in my old age?
A: Mostly No. I quit games when I was younger, too.
So I've quit or thought about quitting a lot of games this year. This is also a year when I've made a point of trying a lot of new games. The last time I did that was more than 20 years ago, before I got my own long-term game going. Back then I tried and left a number of games, too. For example, one I ran fell apart during the second session because two of the players simply would not take the game seriously. Another my wife I and left after one session because the GM was a jerk who invited us to create characters with interesting backstories then contradicted everything we created.
I answered Mostly No above, BTW, because when I was a lot younger, in high school, there were games I should have quit but didn't. For example, I played for a few years with a GM who was very arrogant. He'd kill off our characters anytime we did something he didn't like. I stuck with that group, though, because most of my friends were in it, because I wanted badly enough to play that I tolerated the disrespect, and because at that age I hadn't developed the strength of my convictions in demanding mutual respect and balanced relationships.
Q: If I am the only one objecting to what happens in a game, does that make me the problem player?
A: No.
It may seem a bit odd that in all of these recent games everybody was there while the problems were occurring yet I was the only person who objected. (Except for the situation with "Braz"; Hawk spoke up on that one.) What does it mean that I'm the only one who registered an objection most of the time?
"Think about the common factor across all of your failed relationships," some people say. "It's you. That means you are the problem!"
Yeah, that's what bullies say. Bullies and gaslighters. Fuck that noise.
The fact is that a lot of times in games— and in many other areas of life, too— people don't speak up when they see something wrong. They fear disagreement. They fear social disapproval for "rocking the boat". Or, especially in the gaming world, they suffer the trap I described being in when I was younger, above— lack of self confidence and the feeling that playing a bad game is better than playing no game. The fact that other people may be willing to put up with shit for their own reasons does not invalidate my reasons for choosing not to put up with it.
