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Kids Afraid to Want
Nov. 26th, 2025 07:34 amThanksgiving triplog #8
Manassas, VA · Mon, 24 Nov 2025. 3:30pm.
We're back at the hotel now, between episodes of eating our way through friends and family. Earlier today we met old friends for lunch in Arlington; this evening we'll meet one of my cousins and his wife for dinner in South Riding. South Riding is a place-name I never knew existed, and I grew up not far from here! But more on that later.
My sister said something yesterday that bothers me. It's about her kids. During our pleasant day together full of verbal repartee I teased her gently about how difficult it was for us to buy graduation gifts for her older two kids.
One of them we'd asked several times what he wanted for a graduation gift without getting a response. We could've just bought him something but didn't want to risk (a) duplicating a gift from someone else or (b) buying him something expensive he didn't actually like or want. And (c) we didn't want to give a gift as impersonal as "Here's a wad of cash".
Ultimately, 9 months later, he responded to us and asked for a new phone. It was clear from his asking that his mother had put him up to it. That's what I was teasing C. about— "When P. asked us for that phone, it's because he complained to you that his phone broke and you told him to soak his rich uncle and aunt for a new one, right?"
This wasn't just teasing C. about her kids, though. The topic of graduation gfits is topical because one of P's younger brothers, J., will be graduating in 6-7 months. And given how long it took to get an answer from P., we figured we'd better start asking J. now. Including asking his mom what he needs. 🤨
"My kids are reluctant to ask for things," she explained. She hypothesized that it comes from when the family was struggling harder and material goods were in short supply. Oh, the kids always had a roof over their head, and adequate food, and two pairs of shoes without holes, she assured me. But they learned the answer to "Can we have?" other things was No. So the kids stopped asking.
I recognize part of the dynamic. I was raised in similar conditions. Money was tight, and while we always had a roof over our heads— though at least once my parents came close to not being able to pay the mortgage—and food on the table, other things were luxuries. Including shoes. While C is happy her kids always had two good pairs of shoes, one sneakers and one dress-up for going to church, I usually only had one pair. And half the time they had holes.
Where it gets worse (sadder) with C's kids, though, is that they've internalized guilt over wanting better things. While I never accepted that holey sneakers are all I deserved in life, or that it was wrong to want sneakers without holes, that's what C's kids are seeming to do. She gave the example of how one of them said he didn't want braces because they'd be too expensive for Mom and Dad to afford. It's great that young kids are learning about making tradeoffs in life, but accepting crooked teeth because you think braces— like every other kid in school gets— is too much to ask for is sad.
Again, I recognize part of the dynamic here. I recognize it because I lived it. And because I lived it I'm pretty sure those kids came up with this internalized guilt all on their own.
My father tried to instill guilt in me by telling me I was greedy. I was greedy for wanting nice gifts for my birthday. I was greedy for wanting a second pair of shoes— without holes. I was greedy for wanting a bigger slice of pizza at dinner. I was greedy even for asking that we get pizza when Dad asked the family, "Where should we go out for dinner tonight?" The proper thing to do, according to my dad, would've been to keep quiet until everyone else stated an opinion, and only then ask for what I want.
The difference was, that bullshit guilt trip only half worked on me. I mean, I never did stop believing I should ask for what I want. I did internalize some guilt around it, though. Even into my 40s there were times I felt bad about saying, "I would like XYZ for dinner" because I feared— through internalized guilt— that expressing my want was wrong because other people want things, too, and somehow when multiple people want things my wants are wrong. 🙄
Well, we didn't come to an answer for what J. might like for his graduation next year.
Or maybe it'll be paying his parents back for his braces. 🙁
Manassas, VA · Mon, 24 Nov 2025. 3:30pm.
We're back at the hotel now, between episodes of eating our way through friends and family. Earlier today we met old friends for lunch in Arlington; this evening we'll meet one of my cousins and his wife for dinner in South Riding. South Riding is a place-name I never knew existed, and I grew up not far from here! But more on that later.
My sister said something yesterday that bothers me. It's about her kids. During our pleasant day together full of verbal repartee I teased her gently about how difficult it was for us to buy graduation gifts for her older two kids.
One of them we'd asked several times what he wanted for a graduation gift without getting a response. We could've just bought him something but didn't want to risk (a) duplicating a gift from someone else or (b) buying him something expensive he didn't actually like or want. And (c) we didn't want to give a gift as impersonal as "Here's a wad of cash".
Ultimately, 9 months later, he responded to us and asked for a new phone. It was clear from his asking that his mother had put him up to it. That's what I was teasing C. about— "When P. asked us for that phone, it's because he complained to you that his phone broke and you told him to soak his rich uncle and aunt for a new one, right?"
This wasn't just teasing C. about her kids, though. The topic of graduation gfits is topical because one of P's younger brothers, J., will be graduating in 6-7 months. And given how long it took to get an answer from P., we figured we'd better start asking J. now. Including asking his mom what he needs. 🤨
"My kids are reluctant to ask for things," she explained. She hypothesized that it comes from when the family was struggling harder and material goods were in short supply. Oh, the kids always had a roof over their head, and adequate food, and two pairs of shoes without holes, she assured me. But they learned the answer to "Can we have?" other things was No. So the kids stopped asking.
I recognize part of the dynamic. I was raised in similar conditions. Money was tight, and while we always had a roof over our heads— though at least once my parents came close to not being able to pay the mortgage—and food on the table, other things were luxuries. Including shoes. While C is happy her kids always had two good pairs of shoes, one sneakers and one dress-up for going to church, I usually only had one pair. And half the time they had holes.
Where it gets worse (sadder) with C's kids, though, is that they've internalized guilt over wanting better things. While I never accepted that holey sneakers are all I deserved in life, or that it was wrong to want sneakers without holes, that's what C's kids are seeming to do. She gave the example of how one of them said he didn't want braces because they'd be too expensive for Mom and Dad to afford. It's great that young kids are learning about making tradeoffs in life, but accepting crooked teeth because you think braces— like every other kid in school gets— is too much to ask for is sad.
Again, I recognize part of the dynamic here. I recognize it because I lived it. And because I lived it I'm pretty sure those kids came up with this internalized guilt all on their own.
My father tried to instill guilt in me by telling me I was greedy. I was greedy for wanting nice gifts for my birthday. I was greedy for wanting a second pair of shoes— without holes. I was greedy for wanting a bigger slice of pizza at dinner. I was greedy even for asking that we get pizza when Dad asked the family, "Where should we go out for dinner tonight?" The proper thing to do, according to my dad, would've been to keep quiet until everyone else stated an opinion, and only then ask for what I want.
The difference was, that bullshit guilt trip only half worked on me. I mean, I never did stop believing I should ask for what I want. I did internalize some guilt around it, though. Even into my 40s there were times I felt bad about saying, "I would like XYZ for dinner" because I feared— through internalized guilt— that expressing my want was wrong because other people want things, too, and somehow when multiple people want things my wants are wrong. 🙄
Well, we didn't come to an answer for what J. might like for his graduation next year.
Or maybe it'll be paying his parents back for his braces. 🙁
